Double Isolation

10:00AM "Shoot, I slept in. Again. Well, at least it's before noon. I have at least 12 hours to do work today."

11:00AM "Oh, it's been an hour already since I woke up? I've only just had breakfast and [fill in the blank with mindless yet essential morning routine]. I still have to have some coffee. Ok, I'll start working after coffee."

12:00PM "I can't believe I've been writing this email for an hour. Great, there's goes my morning. I'll do some work now. No excuses."

1:00PM "Ugh, it's 1 o'clock in the afternoon already and I've done nothing! What's wrong with me? I can't even muster up the courage to open my word processor."

2:00PM "I finally managed to open the program but the blank page scared the crap out of me. I went running... to the kitchen. I realized that I was hungry. Saved by grumbling stomach!"

3:00PM "It's late afternoon. I've done no work. I'm still in my pajamas. Sigh..."

4:00PM "My partner's coming home in 45 minutes. I have to look like I'm doing something!"

5:00PM "I FINALLY managed to get into the zone but my partner's home now. Maybe I'll continue riding this wave of inspiration after dinner."

5:00PM-11:00PM [Fill in the blank with various evening routine: essential, but not work-related.]

11:00PM "Ahhh I've done no work today and it's time for bed! I hate staying up by myself at night to do work. It's so depressing. But I'm more depressed by the fact that I didn't leave the apartment, got no work done and wasted the entire day. The only person I spoke to today was my partner. Sigh..."

11:30PM -next morning: Fitful sleep with nightmares about angry committee members and being in class unprepared to teach.

10:00AM "Great, I slept in. Again."

This is my usual day. Or at least was until last week. I should look at this every time I feel like not working. The isolation of graduate school, especially being ABD, is two-fold. I feel isolated from my colleagues and other human beings and I feel detached from my work. The two ingredients combine in lethal ways. It leads to self-doubt, a feeling of worthlessness and various neurotic and self-destructive ways of coping. We shouldn't underestimate just how powerful this grip is on us, physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically. Lynda Barry, a graphic novelist and author of the brilliant One Hundred Demons, encourages her readers to come up with a book of their own demons. Unproductivity would be one of mine. It would have many glaring eyes, a smoldering stench, make nails-on-chalkboard sounds and sit on top of my shoulder pressing me down, getting bigger and bigger as the day wanes. It likes to hang out with Worthlessness and Isolation.