When life throws you a curve ball

Earlier this month, I had been looking forward to some time to focus on writing and to recuperate from the semester of teaching but those plans went right out the window. My personal life took an unexpected nose-dive. It's been a very tough month. Luckily, the chaos hit in the final week of class and I've had three weeks to wallow in my sadness but I also blew away those three weeks that I had planned to complete revisions on a chapter and to do some RA work. One week remains until the start of a new semester. I am to teach yet another new course, this time a fourth year seminar on pharmaceuticals. I just hope I pull myself together this week.

Earlier this summer, I went from scrambling to be ready to put myself out in the job market this year to making the difficult decision not to. This significantly freed up my daily schedule but I was determined to continue the daily writing routine I had set up in the summer. I found the space, (workspace at my advisor's research hub), times (late morning to late afternoon) and days (weekdays only, not weekends) that work for me so that I consistently wrote everyday and still managed to enjoy the weekends. I did this while balancing the responsibilities of teaching and RA administrative work. We all know that finding a routine like this is like finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow: it's rare, much sought after and when you find it you hold on to it with your dear life.

But then you can't plan your life like you can plan your schedule. Life doesn't allow for micro-managing. It likes to throw you curve balls: personal tragedies, injuries, accidents, etc. What do you do then? And what do you do when you're on a tight schedule?

One of the things I try to be mindful of when teaching is to not perpetuate neo-liberal demands on the individual without regard for structural forces. With general increase in tuition costs and decline in the guarantee of employment after graduation, university and college students these days face major pressures. They often work full-time, have various family responsibilities and get sick quite often. Let's face it. Life as an undergrad is extremely stressful. As an instructor, I want to see myself as a facilitator in learning, not a gatekeeper for diplomas and grades or an enforcer of penalties. With grading systems in universities and the role of post-secondary education in social stratification, it's impossible to fully dissociate my from these roles. But I try to do my best. I make a point of being lenient on late assignments so long as the students explain their reasons. I think this effort on my part creates a climate of trust between the students and I and produces good work from the students.

I want--and should--apply the same kind of leniency based on a critical stance in relation to neo-liberalism on my own work ethic. It's really hard not to feel like I'm slacking off and wasting my time. I often have to remind myself that I'm taking the necessary time to heal and recover from a very stressful event. As my best friend reminds me, not only is it necessary, it is feminist to value emotional well-being and to withstand capitalist pressures to primarily define myself solely in terms of work.

So far, I've taken some steps to help those around me be aware of where I am. I've told my advisor that I'm facing some challenging times in my persona life and I asked a professor for additional time to do RA work for her. In other words, I've asked for help... and I tried to do so in a way that is professional, respectful and honest. So far, everyone has been very kind and generous, which is not always the case. I have also been very lucky because not everyone would be so accommodating. I'd like to think that asking for help when times are tough (because, let's face it, they can't always great) and allowing myself to be a bit vulnerable actually makes me come across as more mature and professional.

Work habits

I had been feeling demoralized about my productivity and work habits. (But then, when haven't I felt that way?) These days I've been thinking a lot about my work habits in general (and lack thereof) and my writing habits. I've been trying to embrace free-writing more with not as much success as I would like. In conjunction with trying diverse writing styles for different audiences, I needed to develop better writing/working habits.

At a friend's suggestion, I picked up the book How To Write A Lot by Paul Silvia from the school library. He makes candid observations about excuses people make to not write, such as "I don't have time to write", "I don't have the proper equipment", or the classic "I need inspiration to write." He refutes each of these excuses, which he calls specious obstacles, and instead claims that productivity and quality of writing will improve if and only if you develop a routine schedule for writing and stick to it no matter what. For example, he writes from 8-10AM each day and for him his writing schedule is like any other schedule or appointment. He must keep them. You wouldn't be late for your class, would you? So why would you be late for your writing schedule?, he writes.

He cites a controlled study (which looks a little flimsy to me, but no matter) which compares the number of pages written and intervals between creative ideas between people who wrote only when they're inspired and those who wrote on a rigid schedule. The difference was significant. Regardless of the validity or reliability of the study itself, I think theoretically Silvia's assertion holds a lot of truth. It's something that my friend, who has completed her dissertation and first book manuscript, had already recommended. But Silvia puts his foot down on not checking emails or any other non-writing tasks during the set schedule. You can do research, you can read articles, you can manage data, i.e. all tasks related to writing itself, but nothing else. No teaching, no administrative tasks.

The writing time can include setting up goals, which he strongly recommends. These should be practical goals, such as "write 200 words today" or "revise this draft of the chapter" but not something too large and amorphous as "finish the thesis." Silvia recommends rewarding yourself when you achieve big goals, but the reward should never be to skip a writing schedule. The point is to make writing routine, mundane and everyday. The purpose of the writing schedule is to make writing a habitual reflex, like watching a TV show when it's on, and to de-mystify the writing process.

Today is the third day that I've tried this regimen. I'm finding it difficult to start writing/working at the same time everyday but I've been doing about the same amount of work per day. I did mostly free-writing, 1300 words total in 3 days, which isn't a polished piece of work but I've written something. I also had two great ideas in those days as I wrote or in between writings. I've done some archival research and read a few journal articles. I feel really great about myself! I am shocked that I can actually discipline myself to sit and write, research or read for about 2 hours a day. Something about making writing a routine, in combination with the minimal pressure of free-writing, is making this work for me. I am amazed. Of course, this is only Day 3 and I haven't tried any non-free-writing yet... but I am so happy that I'm working everyday. I have been infinitely happier in the past five days knowing that I did something productive everyday, even though I may end up discarding what I wrote during the days. Weekend felt sweeter, too.

At Paul Silvia's suggestion, I made a spreadsheet to track my writing progress. I have a few simple columns: Date, Reading, Writing Type, # of Words, Outline/Brainstorm/Ideas, Research and Time. I fill in whatever applies that day. For example, today I wrote on my blog (which I count as reflections on my work process), finished archiving the 1914 issues of CMAJ and contacted the Liaison Librarian for help with archival search. I will finish reading two articles before the day ends and I will have worked from 11:30-3:00, with a lunch break in between. Today wasn't a big writing day but I'm not worried too much because everything I did today will lead to writing on another day. Right now I'm trying not to focus too much on how much I do, but rather that I do something. I'm more focused on developing a habit before gradually increasing the quantity and quality of work I produce. This way, I think I will avoid becoming discouraged from this new routine early in the process.

The spreadsheet is also fulfilling another function. Because it summarizes various types of tasks that I do, it helps me indirectly organize my materials, sources and thoughts in one place. This is particularly useful right now because my ideas are still jumbled and are not yet organized. What a happy happenstance!